


satisfied

by skyscapes



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Canon Universe, First Kisses, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Mutual Pining, No Spoilers, POV Oikawa Tooru, Song: Satisfied (Hamilton), Unreliable Narrator, based off lyrics of satisfied, but they really don't know that, no happy ending this time sorry :(, no knowledge of hamilton/ satisfied needed, wedding fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:21:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25418377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skyscapes/pseuds/skyscapes
Summary: Oikawa Tooru gives the best man's speech at the wedding of the two people he loves most in the world.His cousin Machiko - his little sister in all but name.His childhood best friend Iwaizumi - who he's been in love with since high school.The thing is, Oikawa Tooru likes to be liked. (Maybe that's why he'll never be satisfied)
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 24
Kudos: 49





	satisfied

**Author's Note:**

> your favorite irregularly updating writer returns😎
> 
> HAPPY BIRTHDAY OIKAWA TOORU! I'm one day late but still. Oikawa's one of my favorite charcters from HQ and I had a lot of fun with this fic hehe
> 
> first off - the idea for this fic came from this [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yMMLBal9cpU) animatic posted by atshio on youtube. The artist is [catsanie (instagram)](https://www.instagram.com/catsanie/). And seriously its such a BEAUTIFUL animatic please go watch it and cry with me.
> 
> also huge shoutout to [brokenpisces15](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/brokenpisces15) on tumblr for proofreading this even though she hasn't watched haikyuu!!! she's awesome go check her out :)
> 
> No knowledge of Hamilton is needed for this fic, but you can listen to the song it's based off [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hf1NDb_Hc60).
> 
> enjoy!

> _ "I will love you as we find ourselves farther and farther from one another, where once we were so close... I will love you until your face is fogged by distant memory. I will love you no matter where you go and who you see, I will love you if you don't marry me. I will love you if you marry someone else--and i will love you if you never marry at all, and spend your years wishing you had married me after all. That is how I will love you even as the world goes on its wicked way.” _
> 
> _ \- Lemony Snicket, The Beatrice Letters _
> 
> _ *** _

**Part One - A Toast To The Groom**

_“Speech!”_

_“Speech, Oikawa!”_

Tooru chuckles into the microphone, holding a flute of champagne in his free hand. His eyes sweep the hall, surrounded by familiar smiling faces. His gaze finally comes to rest at the couple seated closest to the stage.

She is practically angelic in her white gown, ther train haloes her face. Eyes sparkling just as merrily as they did when she was six. They catch his and she beams back at him. Young, radiant, picturesque - the image of a perfect bride. 

_He_ is… well…

He is beautiful. Handsome as ever. His figure is well defined from years of being a high-level athlete. It is emphasised by the dark suit he’s wearing, the one Tooru had helped pick out. The sight of his childhood best friend wearing the dark material had taken his breath away when he first saw it in the dressing room. His reaction was no different now. 

Together, they make a beautiful couple, earning fond glances from everyone else in the room. 

_And he’s smiling._ Why shouldn’t he be? This was his wedding after all. More than that, _this_ was just what Iwa-chan had wanted all along: the perfect ceremony with a beautiful woman by his side, friends and family congratulating him, never for second _doubting,_ never even _considering_ that Iwaizumi might not be who they thought he was, who they wanted him to be. 

“Alright! Settle down everyone!” Tooru begins. He allows his lips to curve into a cordial smile. The crowd looks at him with expectation in their eyes. The charming, popular jock. The childhood best friend. The dutiful son. He lets them see it all, anything but the truth. This is a part he knows how to play. 

“For those of you who, unfortunately, don’t know me - don’t roll your eyes Iwa-chan! - my name is Oikawa Tooru, not-so-fondly known as “Trashykawa” by a certain someone... As Machiko’s big brother and Hajime’s best friend and longtime volleyball partner, it is an honor to stand here as the best man at their wedding.

“First off, I would like to congratulate the lovely couple, a round of applause please!” Oikawa pauses as the crowd claps. “It is truly a wonderful thing to find your soulmate, to find someone who loves you unconditionally. Iwa-chan and Machiko-chan are two of the best people I know, and I cannot imagine anyone more deserving of such happiness than them.” 

Well, that much was true at least. 

“I have known Iwa-chan since we were both six years old. I still remember that night and it just might… just might have been the night my life changed for the better…”

**Part Two - A Dream Like Candlelight**

Tooru unrolls the blanket onto the backyard. He places a few cushions on top of it, covering them with a second, thicker, blanket. He takes a moment to admire his handiwork - cozy, soft, and warm, perfect for solitary stargazing. 

Not just any stargazing either, he had heard on the news that there was supposed to be a meteor shower tonight. No way was he going to miss that! Tooru is grateful that his parents’ bedroom faced the front of the house. Even if they wake up and happen to look outside, there was no way for him to be spotted. He snuggles into the blankets, feeling pleased. It’s perfect, just him and the stars and absolutely no one…

“Hey!” 

Startled, Tooru tears his gaze away from the sky, bringing it back down to Earth. 

The voice belongs to a boy standing in the yard next to his. A head of messy black hair stuck itself over the fence dividing the properties. The family had moved there barely a week ago, their parents had apparently known each other since their schooldays, but this is Tooru’s first time interacting with the boy. A pair of curious eyes stare back at Tooru, frowning in perplexion. “What are you doing?”

Tooru weighs his options. He had wanted to be alone for the meteor shower, but that was only because he didn’t have any close friends his age, and his family would certainly refuse to wake up at three AM to come with him. The boy looks about as old as he is, that was a good sign. He probably wouldn’t tell on Tooru if he asked him not to. While the boy seemed confused, at least he wasn’t mocking. Another good sign. He decided to risk it. 

“There’s a meteor shower.” Tooru calls back, careful not to make his voice too loud. “I wanted to watch it.”

The boy frowns. “But it’s so late, why bother trying to see it?” 

Tooru gapes at him. “Are you kidding? It’s a _meteor shower!_ They’re amazing!” 

“I’ve never seen one before.” 

“Well, now you can.” Tooru shuffles across the blanket to make some room and pats the space beside him. “Come on. It’s worth it, trust me.” 

The boy looks at him skeptically for a moment before he sighs and clambers over the separating fence. “You should really be asleep you know.” he grumbles as he approaches Tooru. 

Tooru rolls his eyes. “Now you just sound like my mom. Anyway, why aren’t _you_ asleep, huh?” 

“I was. I woke up and went downstairs to get some water and saw some idiot out on his lawn.”

“Hey! I have a good reason to be here.”

“Yeah, yeah, we’ll see about that.” The other boy settles down beside Tooru and takes the end of the blanket that was offered to him. They lean back on the cushions in silence, watching the sky, waiting for the meteor shower to start.

Tooru turns his face towards the boy. “Oikawa Tooru.” he said by way of introduction. 

“Iwaizumi Hajime.”

Tooru frowns slightly. “You don’t look like a Hajime.”

The other boy makes an exasperated sound. “What does that mean? What am I supposed to look like?” 

“Dunno.” Tooru shrugs. “I’ll come up with a nickname for you though.”

“Ugh, you do that… _trashykawa_.”

“Oi! Who are you calling - oh!” Tooru gasps and points at the sky. “Look! It’s starting!” 

They stop their bickering as the first few streaks of light fall across the sky. The night is clear and their street is dark, allowing the night sky to be its brightest. The meteors shoot across the sky, each lasting for only a moment, leaving sparkling silver trails in their wake. Tooru can’t stop the grin spreading across his face. His first meteor shower! It was every bit as magical as he’d thought it would be, and then some. 

After all, he now had the pleasure of taking in someone else’s reactions as well. He glances towards Hajime, about to ask him what he thought. The words died on his lips when he saw the look on the other boy’s face. His mouth is slightly agape in silent wonder, eyes wide and bright, reflecting the light of the falling stars above them both. 

“Woah…” he whispers. 

“Yeah,” Tooru replies, feeling a little smug, smiling into the dark. “ _Woah_.” 

They sit in silence, watching the stars fall for a few moments more (although Tooru knew that wasn’t an accurate description - meteors were pieces of rock, not stars, though that sounded far less poetic). The streaks of light gradually reduce before stopping entirely, leaving the night sky as still as it had been before.

Somewhere, the meteors would have collided with the Earth’s surface. While a few did fall on land, most would fall into the ocean and disappear quickly under those dark waves. They would leave nothing behind to be seen, they would exist only in the memory of the water that had splashed and sizzled around them, before swallowing them up. To the rest of the world, it made little difference whether light shone on those meteors at the bottom of the sea. 

“You’re crazy…” the other boy mutters, “Waking up in the middle of the night to… well, it was pretty cool, but still.” 

Tooru laughs. “Yeah it was.” 

Hajime shakes off the blankets and gets to his feet and begins walking over to the fence that separates their houses. He looks over his shoulder, a small smirk seated on his face. “See you later, Trashykawa.”

Tooru smiles brightly and wavs. “See you later Iwa-chan!” 

He bites his lip to contain a grin and braces himself for Hajime's incredulous reaction. He doesn’t disappoint. 

**Part Three - Helpless**

“Is it possible to pinpoint the moment you fell for someone?” Tooru asks the wedding guests, tilting his head to the side in contemplation. 

“Or does it build up slowly, memories and moments stacking up on each other, twisting into a pattern you can only recognize when it’s complete. Your breath catching short and your heart faltering for just a second as you realize just how helpless you are.” Tooru avoids Hajime’s face as he says this. If he looks… it will be impossible to maintain this facade. Everyone would know, instantly, and everything he has worked so hard to give Hajime, everything he has sacrificed till this point would be for nothing.

He is so close. Just a little more. 

One more time. 

***

Oikawa Tooru liked to be liked. It was as simple as that. The start of all his problems lay in those six damning words that spelled out a life sentence.

Hajime had started at Tooru’s elementary school a few days after the meteor shower incident. Being the only person there who he knew, it was understandable that Hajime stuck by his side the whole time on his first day. And his second. Third. One week passed. They both had other friends, of course, but Hajime-and-Tooru had become an inseparable pair. If you found Tooru waving his arms around dramatically, you were sure to find Hajime by his side rolling his eyes and making snarky comments at his best friend’s expense. 

They spent their days after school tossing a volleyball between themselves at the park. Their mothers had both been on high school and university teams, and passed their love for the sport on to their sons. When they weren’t practicing, they camped out in front of the TV watching matches, cheering wildly whenever their team scored until Tooru’s sister yelled at them for causing a ruckus. 

Elementary school came and went. They were both enrolled in Kitagawa Daichi Junior High, a school known for having a strong sports program. Hajime-and-Tooru soon rose to fame as the unstoppable duo of middle school volleyball. A setter and his ace. Even as first years, they were a part of the starting lineup in every match. 

Oikawa Tooru liked to be liked. To be liked, you had to understand. Every action someone did was like a diary entry, revealing their personality, one movement at a time. Tooru watched it all. He taught himself how to read that language, how to use it to convince others he was worth trusting. 

On the court, Tooru gained the trust of his teammates in no time. Even the upperclassmen joked around with him on occasion. And they were all happy to have him toss to them, confident that he forced them all to be their best selves. He did well in class, earning approving smiles from his teachers. When he and Iwaizumi walked into school they were sure to receive a chorus of greetings and “What’s up?”’s.

Tooru watched them all closely, a bright smile constantly on his lips. The changes he makes to each of them are slight, but they are all he needs. He matches himself to them perfectly to them, every time. 

Or at least, almost every time. 

“Oi. Stop that.”

“Stop what, Iwa-chan?”

Iwaizumi furrows his eyebrows. “That smiley act. Drop it.”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“Dumbass. It’s just me here.”

_Just you._

Tooru smiles, less blinding this time. He likes to be liked. Being liked was easy. Being honest? Now that was a challenge. 

Not that he’d ever been one to back down. 

“Okay Iwa-chan.” 

***

_“Who’s the new kid?”_

_“The one in second year?”_

_“I heard he’s… y’know… gay”_

_“What? No way!”_

_“Even his hair is like a girl’s!”_

The latest piece of gossip. The new student who had moved to Miyagi from Tokyo. Takeda Akira. 

Did you hear that he was gay?

By the end of the day, Tooru had heard the kid’s name twenty times, been informed that he was in fact, most definitely, gay, fifteen times, and seen the student in question zero times. Yet, everyone he spoke to seemed absolutely certain. The new second-year’s name was Takeda Akira. And he was gay. The sky was blue. These were facts the student body accepted without question.

Takeda ate alone during lunch break. A solitary island in a sea of rumours, unkind snickers, and the occasional cat call. He leaves quickly, as soon as he’s done eating. 

From his seat next to Iwaizumi, Tooru tunes out the conversation at his table in favor of observing the boy. Shoulders bunched up together as if he was trying to take up less space. Eyes darting from side to side like an animal caught in a trap. Those eyes catching Tooru’s for less than a second, wide and filled with fear.

“Say, Iwa-chan. What do you think about the new guy?” Tooru asks once Takeda has left. 

Iwaizumi shrugs. “Dunno.” 

“They were saying he’s gay right?”

Iwaizumi shifts uncomfortably in his seat. “I guess. Why are you asking me?”

“No reason.” 

“Don’t talk if you don’t have a reason to, Trashykawa.”

Takeda must have known that him being gay wouldn’t exactly make him the most popular kid in school. He didn’t bother hiding it though. He wore his hair out long. His bag was pale purple with sparkly tassels and the envy of every girl in the grade. These were facts the other boys constantly pointed out, and were received by hoots of laughter. 

Takeda was quiet. He never retaliated. He wore that stupid bag to school every single day. 

During gym class one of the boys grabbed his hand and held it up so the class could see that Takeda was wearing clear nail polish. The class laughed as Takeda blushed furiously and tried to wrench his arm out of the other boy’s grasp. 

Tooru watches the scene unfold. Iwaizumi doesn’t. 

“You’re still coming over today right? My mom got the milk bread you love so much.”

“You know I wouldn’t miss it Iwa-chan.”

***

“Oikawa, why was Hiyori running out of the classroom in tears?”

Tooru gives his best _“Who, me?”_ expression. Iwaizumi frowns. 

“She might have… ah… confessed to me...” 

Iwaizumi sighs. “Another rejection? How many does that make this week?”

“Four so far, I think. And there were seven last week, so that comes to a total of… too many.”

“I’m pretty sure you’ve broken the hearts of at least half the girls in our class by now.”

Tooru lets his head fall into his hands. “They just keep asking, Iwa-chan! There’s not enough of me to go around and - ow!” He rubs his shoulder where Iwaizumi had punched him. “What was that for?” 

“For being an idiot.” Iwaizumi says, sitting next to him. 

“What about you hm? I’m not the only one being confessed to.”

Iwaizumi turns away from him slightly. “Not interested.”

“Would it hurt you to even consider?”

“It’s not me I’m worried about hurting.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing. Let’s go home. Also you still owe me ramen.”

“Ugh. Why’d I ever make a bet with you?”

“Because you’re trash, Trashykawa. Now get up. They’ll be closing soon.”

***

“Why don’t you hide it? Why do you keep letting them get to you?” 

Tooru can’t help the question that slips through his lips. Judging by Takeda Akira’s wide eyes, the other boy is just as shocked as he is. Tooru is just glad there’s no one else around to hear it. 

Well. Now that it’s been asked, he might as well wait for the answer. 

“Because…” Takeda begins, his voice trembling slightly in hesitation, “Because there’s no point. It doesn’t change anything. At least this way it’s honest.” 

It’s easy being liked. 

_Oikawa Tooru was not a coward._

It’s hard being honest, he realizes. 

***

“Maybe you can even be in love with someone for years without realizing, until suddenly…”

***

Oh. 

It was halfway through their first year at high school. They were at the back of the supply closet, the last first years to leave the gym as they usually were. 

Oh.

Tooru had known Iwaizumi for pretty much his entire life. He knew how Iwaizumi had plastered the walls of his room with Godzilla posters ever since he was ten. He knew how when he was twelve and skinned his knee, he’d drawn blood by biting his cheek so hard to stop from crying. He knew that Iwaizumi would glare at him and mutter “Shittykawa” under his breath as he bought Tooru milk bread whenever he left his wallet at home. 

He knew how they fit together. He knew the picture they’d make. Watching stars fall in Tooru’s backyard. Watching Iwaizumi fly across the court to hit his sets. They worked in tandem, in perfect trust, clicking together perfectly. 

Tooru thought he knew it all.

Oh _._

He didn’t know what it meant when he had felt Iwaizumi staring at him as he put away the last of the volleyballs after their practice. When Iwaizumi had reached out and taken hold of his arm and drawn him close. 

“Iwa-chan?”

“You can tell me if you want to stop.”

 _“Oh,”_ Tooru gasps as Iwaizumi’s lips press against his. 

“I don’t.”

***

They spend two years coveting their secret. 

Tooru learns how Iwaizumi kisses like he can’t breathe. His lips taste of desperation, of helplessness, of seeking an answer he probably knows. Tooru replies as best as he can. He pulls Iwaizumi closer. _Stay here._ Runs his fingers through his best friend’s hair. _It’s okay._ Twines their hands together. _See? We fit._

Sometimes, Iwaizumi asks the same question he did the first time they kissed. 

“Is this okay? Do you want to stop?”

Tooru’s answer is always the same. 

They hide in the back of supply closets. Behind the buildings no one goes to. Behind locked doors during study sessions. They keep whatever “this” is there, neatly tucked away from the world.

An unspoken pact is made. They do not speak of their feelings outside. They are just best friends. Just volleyball partners. The way Iwaizumi’s hand on his back burns, the intensity in Tooru’s eyes when he catches sight of his ace across the court, their helpless gravitation to each other whenever they find a chance - none of this changes anything.

Honesty is hard, but with Iwaizumi it’s easier. _I love you,_ Tooru can admit to himself, as long as Iwaizumi’s arms are around him. _I love you. I want this._

Admitting it to himself and saying it out loud are two very different things. Tooru notices how Iwaizumi’s eyes linger on girls sometimes. He also notices how, sometimes, those lingering gazes are reciprocated. 

It’s a cold reminder, but an important one - whatever was happening with them, it was only temporary. 

But for now, he doesn’t need to think about that. Not when Iwaizumi’s lips are on his, not when he is helpless in Tooru’s arms. Greedily, he pulls Iwaizumi closer. _Maybe you won’t always be,_ he thinks, _but for now, you’re mine._

**Part Four - Three Fundamental Truths**

In the cracks and crevices where they stash their honesty, it is easy to forget the fundamental truths that govern their world.

Oikawa Tooru likes to be liked. That’s where it starts (or if you look at it differently, that’s where it ends). To be liked, you played by the rules. Simple as that. 

_Number one - I live in a world where I am expected to marry a woman and make her my wife._

Nakamura Mari is the object of everyone’s affections. A petite elfin face, with long, light hair that cascades gently behind her as she moves, every step imbued with effortless grace - it’s rare to find someone at school who isn’t half in love with her. 

Mari has been following Tooru for about a week now. They’ve barely spoken, but she’s always _there_ somewhere in the background, and she makes sure he knows it. Tooru knows what comes next. 

She should be everything Tooru wanted and more. But Mari doesn’t know the names of his favorite constellations, doesn’t know what to say when Tooru tries to destroy himself in practice, doesn’t reach for him time and time again. Mari doesn’t make him feel like he’s helpless against her current.

But Iwaizumi has calluses on his hands, roughened from years of volleyball.

But Iwaizumi has a chiselled jaw and cheekbones sharper than knives. 

But Iwaizumi fits him like a second skin and feels like home. 

***

“Did you know that Oikawa-sama hasn’t had a girlfriend yet?”

“What? That’s unbelievable!”

“I wonder why…”

***

The gossip in Miyagi is insidious.

_(But it doesn’t make me want him any less.)_

***

Mari makes her move about a month later, on White Day of their second year of high school. She approaches him after school, when Oikawa is waiting outside the gym by himself for practice to start. She smiles at him, eyes shining, and bows low. Her arms are outstretched, offering a small box of chocolates, along with a heart-shaped note bearing his name. 

“Oikawa-san,” she says, tilting her head to the side slightly, “will you please accept my feelings?” 

He takes the box from her, and takes her hand in his. He brings it to his lips and presses a soft kiss to her skin. He smiles, the same practiced beam he gives to all his admirers. 

“I would be delighted to, Mari-chan.” 

***

_Number Two - He’s with me because I’m his childhood friend, someone who he can have some harmless, experimental fun with, and trust not to take things further_

Tooru wonders what he might have done if Iwaizumi had begged him to stay. Had yelled at him, called him a dumbass, a selfish bastard, whatever insult he could possibly have thought of. Had grabbed him by the front of his shirt to literally shake some sense into him. 

“Iwa-chan, I think it’s time we stop this.”

He wonders what he would have done if Iwaizumi had fought. Fought for them. 

But he hadn’t. 

He had closed his eyes when they had begun to shine. He hung his head, though Tooru could still see how tightly he was gritting his teeth. Yet his shoulders sunk with grim acceptance. An unspoken agreement that yes, this was how things should be. Good. That meant that Iwaizumi, at least, still had a chance. 

_I love you, it will never stop being true._

_If I can’t give you that, I can still give you this._

They continue with practice. They see each other in school the next day. Iwaizumi buys him milk bread. Then he calls Tooru “Shittykawa” when he drops it. Tooru runs as Iwaizumi chases after him, a grin splitting his face. 

Satisfied or not, the world moves on. 

***

“Tooru! Aren’t your friends here yet?”

“They're on their way! Calm down Machiko…” 

His cousin slaps his arm lightly. “I’m only in town for a few weeks, we need to make the most of it!” 

Oikawa Machiko was Tooru’s cousin on his father’s side. Due to the large age gap between him and his sister, she was one of the few family members his age. Time spent at lengthy family gatherings as kids meant they ended up becoming close friends, practically as close as siblings themselves, and kept in touch when Machiko’s family moved to Tokyo. 

Machiko and her parents had returned to Miyagi for the summer this year. Since their parents had left them behind to go out for dinner, they’d decided to invite a few of Oikawa’s friends over to their place. 

The doorbell rings, and Machiko perks up immediately. “That must be them!” 

Tooru opens the door to find Iwaizumi, Hanamaki, and Matsuwaka outside, bearing several boxes of pizza.

“Sorry we got late,” Iwaizumi says as they come in, “these idiots started fighting over the pizza toppings.” 

“It was only because _someone_ wanted to put pineapple on top…” Matsuwaka says, turning to Hanamaki who glares at him. 

“And someone had absolutely no taste!” he retorts. 

“MAKKI IN WHAT WORLD-” 

“ENOUGH!” Iwaizumi grabs the two of them by their collars and yanks them apart. “We got two of each so you can both be happy.” 

“How can I be happy knowing that _monstrosity_ is right next to me?”

“Why you-”

“Tooru!” Machiko’s voice cuts through the argument, and Tooru sees her waving at him from the kitchen. “A little help here?” 

“Coming! Iwa-chan, stop them from killing each other. And pick something for us to watch too, while you’re at it.”

“What are you, my boss?” Iwaizumi scoffs. 

“Mean, Iwa-chan!” Tooru calls over his shoulder as Machiko drags him into the kitchen. “Machiko-chan, what’s up?” 

Machiko’s cheeks are flushed, her lips curled into a giddy smile. Her fingers tighten on Tooru’s arm and -

No.

 _Helpless,_ her eyes say. 

No.

 _Helpless._ “Who _is_ that guy?” she whispers. 

_No, no, no!_

_Helpless._ “Do you want me to make introductions?” Oikawa says with a wink and she squeals. 

_I’m helpless._ His heart is pounding desperately in his chest, as he goes back out into the living room and calls out, “Hey Iwa-chan! Come here for a sec!”

_One - we could never be together anyway, there’s no place for us here._

He walks over to Tooru, looking suspicious. “Where are you taking me?”

Tooru grins, “I’m going to change your life.” 

_Two - he never loved me the way I loved him, I was only ever an experiment._

Iwaizumi rolls his eyes, but follows anyway. 

_Three-_

“Iwa-chan, meet Machiko! My little cousin.”

“It’s nice to meet you Iwaizumi-san!” she says with a smile and bows. 

Iwaizumi smiles at her, in a way he’s never smiled at any of the other girls who’ve confessed to him. _Nice going Oikawa._

“It’s nice to meet you. Putting up with Oikawa was worth it, after all.” 

“Oi!”

Machiko laughs at that. “My big brother can be annoying sometimes.” 

“He can.”

Oikawa gasps and holds a hand to his heart in mock hurt. “You two wound me. Anyway,” he turns away from them quickly, and makes his way out of the kitchen. “I’ll leave you two to it.” 

_Number Three - I know Machiko like I know my own mind. There isn’t anyone else as trusting, or as kind, she deserves someone who will make her feel satisfied._

Even now, it’s not impossible to change things. He could tell Machiko the truth. 

He could fight for both of them. 

Machiko would have been on his side. She would have helped him stand up to their family, fought anyone who was stupid enough to give him any trouble. She would have smiled at Tooru and said “I’m fine!”.

She would have lied. 

Tooru was her big brother in all the ways that counted. What did that even mean if he couldn’t do this one thing for her? He’d lie, so she wouldn’t have to. 

Honesty is hard, and Oikawa Tooru likes to be liked. 

_And I’ll never be satisfied._

**Part Five - Romanticize What Might Have Been**

Somewhere in the middle of his third year at high school, Mari breaks up with him. 

Tooru doesn’t blame her. He can barely remember what their relationship was like, sometimes he forgot he had one. He’d kissed her a couple of times, heart in his mouth, waiting, _waiting_ for it to feel like it meant something. 

It never did.

“You’re obsessed with your volleyball, it’s like you have no time for anything else.”

“Mari-chan, please…”

“No. I’m sorry, Tooru, but I can’t.” 

She’d said he was obsessed. Maybe he was. There was a certainty in a perfect set or in a service ace you couldn’t find anywhere else in the world. In the tangle of all his dishonesty, the facade he put on to the world, Tooru found himself craving that. In volleyball, he could be strong. 

Although currently, he was far from strong enough. The likes of Kageyama Tobio and Ushijima Wakatoshi attested to _that._

But at least that was something he could fix. 

_“Machiko-chan and I are dating.”_

_“Really? Congrats Iwa-chan!”_

Twenty serves by himself after practice. 

_“Tooru, you won’t believe how wonderful Hajime is! He’s so sweet and kind…”_

_“Aw, listen to yourself Machi. You sound like a cheesy western romcom.”_

_“Shut up! Well… maybe, but it feels so perfect!”_

Thirty five serves. 

_“Tooru… I think I’m in love with him.”_

He loses track. 

Each of his serves feel more powerful than the last. At first, he tells himself this is practice. That is, until he realizes half the balls land out of bounds and he also realizes he doesn’t care. The thud of each ball hitting the ground with all the strength he can summon gives him some twisted satisfaction. _One more._

He gropes around in the nearly empty ball cart to find another ball. He goes to his starting position, and lets out a deep breath. He throws the ball up in the air and begins to run. His muscles tense, he jumps-

Pain shoots through his body. He crashes to the floor with a startled yelp. He hears the ball drop a few meters away from him and roll to a standstill. It’s too far for him to reach though. If he can get up he can try again-

He gasps, shuddering with pain as he tries to move. Tooru curls into a fetal position on the floor, gritting his teeth to stop himself from screaming. His hand finds his throbbing knee. Had he done his strengthening exercises before practice today? Or had he been too eager to start that he had forgotten? _One day won’t make a difference._ How many days had he been telling himself that? 

He hears the gym doors being thrown open, and all he can feel is mild embarrassment that he’s lying on the floor like a child until he recognizes the voice that calls out “Oi, Shittykawa! No overworking yourself, remember!” 

Tooru lets out a brittle laugh. “Well, Iwa-chan -ahh!” He hisses as a second wave of pain goes through him. 

“Tooru!” Heavy footsteps approach. And then Iwaizumi is crouched in front of him, his eyes wide and concerned. Tooru looks away, suddenly filled with guilt. 

“You fucking idiot,” Iwaizumi says, but his tone is gentle and there’s no anger behind his words. “What the hell did you think you were doing?” 

“I- I’m sorry…”

“Dumbass.” Iwaizumi shakes his head. Olive green eyes look into Tooru’s russet brown. “It’s your knee, isn’t it?” Tooru nods. “We’ll get you to the nurse’s office. Put some ice on it.” 

“Not sure if you’ve noticed Iwa-chan,” Tooru murmurs, “but I can’t really stand up right now.” 

“I know that smartass! Is it okay if I carry you?”

“Yeah.” It’s not like there was much of a choice. 

Iwaizumi walks around him and scoops him up. One arm under his back, and the other under his thighs, angled away from his bad knee. Tooru wraps his arms around Iwaizumi’s neck for added support, and they leave the gym. 

“You’re pretty strong Iwa-chan.”

“Have to be if I’m running after you all the time. Trashykawa.”

Tooru scoffs. “Mean!” They remain silent for a moment. “How did you know to come get me?”

“I had a feeling you were doing something stupid. Then I noticed the lights were still on in the gym. It was pretty obvious what you were getting up to… although I had no idea it was this bad. What were you even doing?”

Tooru shrugs. “Practicing.”

“Tooru…” Iwaizumi growls.

“I know! I know… I just… “ _I lost you. Maybe because I never_ had _you to begin with, but I lost you and I needed something. Anything.”_... was being an idiot.” 

Iwaizumi sighed. “We need you,” he says softly. “You know that right? The team needs you. I need you to go to nationals with me. Stay strong for us. For me. Got that?” 

_For you._

Iwaizumi’s gaze has shifted away from him, but Tooru continues to look into his olive eyes. There’s no trace of joking in them, just sincerity and concern. 

That’s something. He’ll take it. If that’s all he gets, he’ll take it. 

_At least I have this. At least I still keep you in my life._

**Part Six - May You Always Be Satisfied**

Talent is something you can make bloom. 

Instinct is something you polish. 

“Love catches you by surprise every time, doesn’t it?” Tooru smiles at the guests, many of whom smile back and nod at him. 

_Iwa-chan. Machiko. This is the best gift I can give you._

“Now, if everyone would please raise their glasses.” The guests comply. Tooru watches Iwaizumi and Machiko both raise their glasses as well, Iwaizumi wrapping an arm around Machiko as he does so. A stab of something like sadness, like anger, like _pain_ goes through him and Tooru smiles a little brighter. 

“A toast to the groom, and to the bride! From your best friend, and your big brother - Oikawa Tooru.”

_Two boys, watching stars fall in the dark._

_No one cares what sound meteors make when they fall into the sea, do they?_

“To your union, to the hope that you provide, to your happiness for many years to come.” 

_Two boys kissing where no one can see them._

_Their love exists in the twilight, in the spaces between the lines._

“Iwa-chan, Machiko-chan,” Tooru looks right at them. The people he love most in the world. The people he would do anything, make any sacrifice for. 

_I’ll never be satisfied._

_But they might._

_That’s a chance I’m willing to take._

He smiles as he says, “May you always be satisfied.” 

**Author's Note:**

> :')  
> come yell at me on [tumblr @ alexfinallywrites](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/alexfinallywrites)!
> 
> also i just wanted to point a few things out-  
> While Oikawa thinks Iwaizumi sees him as an experiment, this isn't true. Iwaizumi definitely does return Oikawa's feelings. BUT Iwaizumi thinks Oikawa is the one who doesn't take their relationship seriously (since Oikawa is the one who broke up with him). Oikawa is definitely an unreliable narrator, and his views on stuff are affected by his own insecurities, which is why he doesn't realize. 
> 
> just putting that out there :)
> 
> thank you so much for reading! comments/ kudos are always appreciated!! xx


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